October 15th

Every year for 9 years I have remembered my babies. Every year it is a difficult day. Every year I light my candle. Every year I get emotional. This year is different. I am beyond emotional, I am a mess. I have cried off and on since late last night. I could not sleep. I feel a little anxiety and an overwhelming sense of sadness and grief. Almost like it just happened all over again. How is that possible? Why am I feeling this? My last loss was 4 years ago. Shouldn't I be ok at this point? Why the raw emotion today? Its a fresh wave of grief that I know many would not or could not understand, I don't really understand it myself. If you know someone who has lost a child please give them a hug and tell them its ok to grieve even if its "just" a miscarriage. That baby is real to them. They had hopes and dreams for that child. It is real grief, it is real sadness, and its ok to mourn the child they love. They will never forget and they don't need someone minimizing their pain. Don't tell them that they should just get over it and be thankful for what children they do have. Don't tell them it was God's plan. Don't tell them to give up and quit trying to have their family. Do give them love and affection. Do let them grieve. Do support them in all ways. Don't stop talking about it, they want to remember their child. They want to talk about the baby they love.

I remember my first loss so clearly. I started spotting some light blood at 11 weeks. They could not find a heartbeat. I was crushed, but still hopeful. I refused a D&C and went for another ultrasound at 12 weeks. Guess what? My baby was ALIVE, her little heart beating. The doctor was baffled. He thought that maybe I was pregnant with twins and one had passed while the other survived. I was upset by this but so hopeful and happy that I still had one little bean with me! The following week did not go well. I started spotting again. I went to the ER and the ultrasound tech said (very unemotional and almost rudely) looks like fetal demise, your baby has no heartbeat. I was in shock. How could she tell me so cruelly that my precious baby was gone? I woke the next morning to go to my OB, I was cramping very badly, to the point I could hardly drive. By the time I made it there I was hemorrhaging. He basically had to do a non sedated D&C in the office. Im not sure what hurt worse, the pain of the environment and body or the hole in my heart. I have never been the same since that day, May 5th 2002. I since have lost 3 more precious babies, 2 following the first and one in between Hanna and Hayden.

I cannot watch a show where children die. If I see a show with loss, I grieve all over again. The pain has ease over the years and I often think that if I had not lost those little loves then I would not have Hanna or Hayden. Im so thankful that I am able to be a mom to my 3 kiddos. I know so many who do not get that honor and I hurt for them. So today in honor of all the ones to precious for earth, honor their memory by lighting your candle at 7 and let it burn for one hour. This will create a wave of light all over the world.

In honor of Lillie, Brayden, Baby Bug, and Baby~I love and miss each one of you. Never in my arms but forever in my heart.